flying my Redfox flag

I was fortunate enough to be part of the inaugural Redfox Retreat a couple of weeks ago in Somerset. We stayed in a gorgeous Georgian manor house.

front hall

This was my very first retreat. I'm fairly good at taking care of myself - I firmly believe that if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. And as I'm (mostly) a Stay at Home Mom, it's important that I stay happy. Or at least sane.

I also firmly believe that my creativity and my mental state are inextricably linked. Co-dependent.

But - even given the above belief - I still felt incredibly selfish to travel so far away from home & family to nourish myself. Body and soul and all that.

And nourishing it was! Meghan, Sas and Susannah said that was the word they had in mind when creating the retreat.

Susannah, Sas and Meghan

Mission. Accomplished. *standing ovation*

Three days of workshops, some in the warm embrace of a yurt, all in a circle of very likeminded Women Who Became Vixens. 

yurt entrance

yurt interior

creativity

One day spent on a class field trip to Glastonbury.

Glastonbury Tor

walking up the Tor

ruins of St Michael's church

I made it

terraces

looking towards Wells and Bath

in the St John's church labyrinth

at the Chalice Well,
Glastonbury

at the Chalice Well,
yes: it was cold

at the Chalice Well

ruins of Glastonbury Abbey

And every day nourished by the most awesome team of food friends! 

(gluten-free sticky toffee pudding. seriously.)

breakfast!

lunchtime goodness

evening ambiance

Would I recommend it? Hell to the YEAH! Did I find it difficult to relax and retreat? NO. not at all. 

(I guess I really am selfish, after all.) *smirks*

string of lights,
sparks of connection

This will go down in my books as one of the most soul-full experiences of my life. The group of women who showed up were... divine. I lost track of the number of times when I looked around and thought what the fuck is going on?? and this feels greater than the sum of its parts... 

It was powerful. 

first litter of
Redfox vixens

my sacred

curriculum vitae

Geez, I really struggled in school. So when my daughter showed me a video recently - posted on Facebook by my sister - wee tears sprang to my eyes. How I wish I had had the gumption to state aloud that an exam result shall not define my fate. Or my worth, in my case...

And then a whole lot of stuff started whirling around inside my head about schooling. I've been trying to stay positive when presented with the query "why do I have to learn this!!!" flung in my face during homework. It's tough. And: I hate homework. I already DID homework!!

We read Wuthering Heights in high school. Grade 12 if I remember correctly. I slogged through that book, not understanding a single syllable that Kathy's family's gardener uttered. After a while I would just skim his parts and hope that whatever he said would be illuminated contextually at a later point. 

(Luckily my English teacher read aloud the gardener's parts in full brogue. Suddenly the jibberish made some sort of sense!) 

Then there was Shakespeare - one play a year. Another slogfest. I never knew how funny, romantic, current, lewd... heck - downright entertaining! - his plays could be until I saw them in action either in play form or a movie. 

My son is at the slogfest stage now. Although he says that they don't just sit in class and take turns destroying the various characters by reading aloud. I'm not sure exactly how they do it, but given how much different his other subjects have changed since I was in high school I'm sure Bill isn't spinning quite so fast in his grave these days.

Thanks to one of my cousins, my kids have been priviledged enough to experience Shakespeare as a really funny play long before now. This cousin acts in a company that modernizes Shakespearean plays all the while staying true to the text. She was in their production of Henry V last summer, and her own 8 yr old son ended up knowing great swaths of the play verbatim.

Just the other day, my son announced that he felt sorry for his cousin... saying that all he's known so far is how funny and entertaining Shakespeare can be. 

"Once he gets to high school, he won't even recognize these plays! ... he's in for a rough time..."

So maybe I've been lucky to suffer through the poorly read production of The Merchant of Venice, and Hamlet et al and then be illuminated. I can't imagine how it would be the other way. 

Hopefully by the time my cousin's son is in high school, the curriculum will have evolved even more. 

P is the meanest girl letter

Hey!

My daughter has synaesthesia too! And yes, she got it from me. It's incurable and we wouldn't have it any other way.

I discovered this from the discussion that we had in the car en route to (what else) synchro practice recently. Gave me the shivers... so cool that she and I have this in common!

So we started comparing: for me A is red, and for her: navy blue, B is brown (me) and yellow (her), C is yellow/green. And so on. 

But then she went further and listed their personalities and genders: A is (definitely) a boy - and an irritating one at that, B is a (tom)girl, C is a boy, but a nice one.

I started to compare, and realized that - when pressed - my letters had genders too. No personalities though... maybe I've outgrown that aspect.

When we got down to P:

"oh..."
she said, shaking her head a bit

"P is a mean letter. A girl: P is the meanest girl letter."

for me

Part of the reason why I keep this blog going is to document. Primarily for me. 

For the past two years I have been working on a goal. To tidy things up, put things away, and then? ...then to maintain the tidyness. 

Here is some recent proof:

You can not imagine just how proud I am. However I have wrenched my arm patting myself on my back...

twee mitts

Paper by FiftyThree app

when I go into the woods

pre-owned Polaroid SX-70, Impossible Project film,

dark/light dialled all the way to 'dark',

image protected from light (especially during first 4 sec),

30min develop in bra (so it's kept warm)

SUCCESS!!

I got a dog, big enough that he'd need longer daily walks

(sometimes I curse my energetic self).

The woods where we walk

are chockablock full

of beautiful photos

so I take some back home 

with me.

10 shuffle

interesting experiment: go to iPod, choose Songs and then shuffle.  list first ten songs.

ok, here goes:

I just bought these 100 Ella Fitzgerald tracks last month. I think it was only $6!
She has to have The Perfect Voice, in my humble opinion.

Let's see... fun movie, fun song. Makes me happy, happy, joy, joy like Earth, Wind and Fire.

Ah, Coldplay. I've heard interviews with Chris Martin and Jonny Buckland. And I would love to meet them in person... wouldn't you?

Reminds me of 60s British Invasion, soundtrack from Heartbeat. But the first couple of seconds drive me nutters!

iTunes has a featured free Song of the Week. I usually download it. This may have been one of those, or it may have been found while looking around for some more ethereal tracks to accompany my Boards of Canada songs. Not sure which.

Mother, Mother. Canadian (yay!) and we love 'em in this house. I don't 'do' poetry/lyrics kinda frou frou stuff, but did post lyrics to one of their songs. Once.

iTunes also has a Chanson de la semaine. I download these less frequently, mostly because Quebec music didn't seem to throw off it's folksy Voyageur ancestry and rebel. Hence there are too many backwoods songs for me. Or ballads! omg, ditch the epic ballad! Mind you, it's made Celine millions, non?

Oh look! Ella again... (well, there are 100 tracks in there now)

Another freebie. Sometimes theyr'e current (like this one - score!) and sometimes not so much. But hey, the price point. Can't complain.

henh, another FreeB. Upon initial, sample listen thought "umm, no... not my cuppa tea, thanks anyway". But then there's something that stuck and I ended up downloading it. They sound 'tight'. Which always sounds simultaneously dated and pretentious to me, but is a great way of explaining that the band or group of musicians sound like they've got it. Practiced and polished and talent present. = 'tight'. Daddy-O.

So... going to try this 10 Shuffle experiment for yourself?

freezing rain today on the burning bush seeds

parental posts

I've had these seemingly random draft posts collecting dust on here. Or, maybe they've just been fermenting. Hopefully nothing explodes. I've decided to squeeze them all together and see if something gels.


I have a couple of on-line friends who are at a younger stage of parenthood. When I read their blogs, I do a number of things: quietly smile and nod first of all... it's amazing how similar things are sometimes no? It also brings back memories of my own, and they feel further away with each passing year. It also shines a light on just how much has changed. How much my children have grown. Yet amazingly, I haven't aged a bit!!

Just this weekend I felt it: another slight apron string snapped. A very subtle one, no big milestone happened, I just felt a ping.

as an aside: I solumnly do swear, that if I ever become a Grandmother: I will keep my big mouth shut, my nose out of their business, my opinions to myself, help as they see fit... etc etc etc. My Mom and I do not have a good history, but if there's one thing she's done amazingly well is to help how I've needed help and keep all her opinions to herself. I know what she thinks about things (at least, I think I do) but she has never, ever given me grief about my child-rearing. wow, something positive about my Mom... think I'd better share this one with her!

"You need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."  -- Tod, in Parenthood, 1989

I would change 'father' to 'parent'. Cuz I've seen a fair share of asshole mothers too. Actually, given that I've dealt with more mothers than fathers I'd say I've seen more maternal assholes than paternal.

I have had this quote run through my head too many times to count. I find it amazing that there are so many wounded children walking around in grown up bodies, messing things up for the next generation.

Except that: I ultimately believe that we humans are an incredibly resilient species. I chose to believe that - even though I see the asshole behaviour - we human peoples have an amazing capacity to also heal. And I may not see that healing behaviour.



What It's Like Being a Teen Girl
I think my sister referred to this one on Facebook (?), about the time when a teen suicide made headlines here in Canada.
I've been lucky enough to not have such negative experiences, but I sure have heard a lot of this kinda thing from other friends. Makes me livid.



ok, so let's end on a postive note, shall we?
10 Habits to Stengthen Your Relationship With Your Child
Can I brag a bit here? I do... all of these... seriously! well, except for all that f&*king hugging. I've read a lot of parenting articles and books and websites; this is the first time I've seen in print what I believe is the best way to live with kids. Dealing with the emotions behind the behaviour - oh! so true!! Especially when they get older; mine are teens now and this article seems to be geared towards parents who are still reading articles (grin). The parenting sites and magazines are loaded with stuff for younger kids; once they get to be the age that my kids are... not so much. Or: it deals with all the bad behaviour and how to fix it in my age range.


OK, I think I have mined the parenthood angle. At least for me. This post feels like a jumble of tenuously connected thoughts. Look around at those links above, let some things ferment in you too and see what comments bubble up.

And it feels like it needs some photos, but I've been searching for appropriate ones for a couple of weeks now and nothing is making itself obvious... so I'm just going to click publish and move on.

everything old is... new?... again...?

shortbread swirls on left and ice cream cone cupcakes on right

I saw these photos recently on Pinterest. Both with comments that showed that the Pinners were very impressed with these yummies. Thing is: my Mom has been making these since I was very very young. And she's in her 70s now. When I see them my inner teen cringes ever so slightly...

They've gone full circle: once impressive, then dated and now reborn as cute!

But fellow Pinners: please... leave the Velveeta right where it is.

the price of modernity, or just another 1st world problem

I’m so confused. 

We recently gifted an iPhone5 to the 15 yr old son. And an iPhone4S to the 13 yr old daughter. Still feeling guilty for these; like I’m spoiling them, but it turned out to be the best choice for what we needed as a family. Move along.

So, yeah now we have four iPhones for four people. All with the same carrier. 

The carrier also supplies us with our internets, cable TV, and home phone. Do we need a home phone now...?  Ummm, yeah. The grandparents... not to mention telemarketers... but we hardly answer it anymore! My criterion: if I don’t recognize the number or name, I don’t pick up. 

I have never liked picking it up. I am the oldest of three girls born close together and yet 

“THREE teenaged girls in the house; why can NONE of you pick up the phone??!” was heard frequently during those teen years.

Jan 2011 I called and upped our internet bandwidth from whatever measly amount it was to 60 GB. Buddy on the phone says “did you just get Netflix?” yeah: it came to Canada, was free for the first month, and I gorged on MadMen. 

As of Sept 2012 - count with me, that’s... 21 months - we’re up to 250GB. And that my friends is the highest tier, the mostest bandwidth they offer.

Now, in Nov, and the daughter’s phone has blown through the 1GB data plan on our family plan. So that needs to be addressed...

Then there’s the TV. We increasingly feel like we don’t watch it that much, but I’ve grown up watching TV shows on, umm, the TV. And my husband still watches the nightly news. I frequently join him. He also still reads a morning paper too...

I do now watch some shows on the computer, and YouTube plays more in the house than the TV. But if we bailed on cable and went the AppleTV route, I can’t imagine the re-organization it would take. Not to mention the maintenance. As it is I don’t keep up with the IT demands of the various individuals in this home organization what with an iMac, two MacBooks, two iPads, and the aforementioned iPhones. There’s a couple of PCs thrown in for balance too...

This is changing so fast, my head is spinning. Will someone please figure this all out - cable or streaming, Beta or VHS, BluRay or HD - and then let me know? Because this arrangement has to change. If it continues like this much longer our monthly technology bill will approach our mortgage payment.

Shocking, no? I'll wait while you finish gaping. That's what my husband did with me when he made this comparison recently.

And for the life of me, I cannot figure out how to find answers to these problems... my other Mummy friends with kids the same age haven't 'spoiled' their kids like this. Or they're not online as much as me so their needs lie elsewhere. 

Anybody else confused??

staidHome

I think the first time I was required to create a username was when I joined Ravelry in 2007. At that time I was coming to grips with the fact that I was probably never returning to the paid workforce. I had prepared for, longed for... the time when I would be Working. I loved my jobs: three in six years, all in research labs doing basic benchwork. Something - the only thing - that I had ever wanted to do.

After I had decided to embark on the adventure of parenthood, it became clear to me that there was no reason to return to work. Other than personal fulfillment - which yes is a reason in and of itself, but not enough to potentially throw many things into a tizzy around me. Mostly me.

My Mom had stayed home. She didn't seem to like being at home. My absolutely completely and utterly worst fear was to end up like my Mom. Stuck. At home.

And yet what were the Fates throwing me? Just exactly that. Breathe in, Breathe out.

So when I was staring at the screen tapping finger against cheek I tried to think of one concise expression to sum me up. I didn't go back to work... I: Stayed Home.

Then, a play on words. Staid: sedate, respectable, and unadventurous. One image that pops uninvited into one's head when picturing a SAHM. That ain't me. But sticking my tongue in my cheek and using that word would be very much me. Capitolized the H just cuz.

So there you have it.


addendum: I miss Science. Less now than 10 years ago, but I do still miss it. However I am 100% sure that being staidHome is the right thing for me. There is no bitterness in me, and I am NOT my Mom.

expectorant

My sister beat me to this blog post...
(I suppose if you've clicked over from her blog, you can now compare who is the more screwed up. I vote for me...)

Susannah's weekly week-end offers included this link, and I thought 'hmm, I wonder what my over-expectations are?'



I am supposed

to be more mentally stable
to be thin, effortlessly
to (like to) eat vegetables
to (like to) ski
to put things away
to make my kids eat properly
to be an artist
to have everything organized


Let's change that, shall we?

I will

congratulate myself on my present excellent mental health
be comfortable in this skin, reside in my body
appreciate my appetite
celebrate my family's skiing ability (from the spa. heh heh)
tidy, but not expect pristine
educate my kids on refueling themselves
be an artist, of sorts
embrace messy

That's better. Be your own best friend...

collectively sorry

I heard this opening essay on one of my favourite shows last week. I stopped in my tracks, standing stock still in the middle of the kitchen, coffee cup in hand. Breathing and listening. And, it's stayed with me. And I've discussed it with my own teens, trying to not sound absolutely completely freaked out. Breathing and listening again.

I don't know if this story has made it past the Canadian border, but in a way I hope it has. You can google her name and find the original video if you wish: I warn you, you may become nauseated. I did. Apparently her Mum has said that the video should remain available... that this is what her daughter would've wanted. 

I thought the second half of his essay hit it... bang on:

... the suggestion will reek of arrogance and denial, 

and it is that denial that may be our greatest battle in this moment

as if a previous generation’s difficulties

should form the prescription

for inaction and dismissal now,

as if we don’t have the evidence 

that this is a new kind of epidemic

  ~  quite the opposite  ~

shame on those amongst us 

who would misunderstand the way

in which the world has changed

yes we have suffered bullying in the past,

(many of us know that all too intimately)

but we did not live in a world of social media...

of Facebook taunts that can invite 

a pile-on of participants from around the world

that will live in infamy,

in online pages that are near impossible to extinguish,

that can follow a young teen to any computer screen,

no matter how far her family moves to stem the tide,

no matter how hard they try to hide

  ~  on the contrary  ~

we should not rest 

until all of us together -- as a national community --

take on the bullies who will try to tear us down

we should not rest 

until any and every teen understands that

it is okay to be 

unique, 

themselves, 

different -- or the same --

immune from societal blame

we should not rest

how I stay amused*, happy appy style

Last week I was sitting inside at the pool and saw this stand of burning bushes just outside:

original, taken with iPad3

The sun was just setting behind the building so I wasn't sure if I had enough light but I knew that if I waited for better conditions during next week's swim practice there was a good chance the leaves would be down and I'd have missed a creative opportunity. I love colour, and the fall display this year on my part of the globe has been unsurpassed. So I hussled outside to capture some shots with my iPad3 and iPhone4.

original, taken with iPhone4

original, untouched, taken with iPhone4

Hipstamatic app taken on iPhone4
(John S. lens, no flash)

Percolator of Hipstamatic

I really like the Percolator app; ones of my favourites. I processed the above image using my iPad3, sitting on the couch beside my husband during the evening news. There's three dials on the app, and each of those has multiple choices. The combinations for end image are too numerous to keep track of... so I'm not entirely sure how the above image came to be. I just noodle around until I think 'ooo, purtee' and save. 

original, taken by iPad3

ShakeItPhoto app

The ShakeItPhoto mimics a Polaroid, and even goes through the whole click, whirr and develop in front of your eyes. You can shake your iPhone/iPad to speed it up, but you don't need to. (and: you're not supposed to shake it like a Polaroid either I've since learned... but that's another blogpost when I reveal that I've purchased a secondhand SX-70 Land camera and film from The Impossible Project)

Goes without saying that I really like my iPhone and iPad for photography. They both take fantastic photos, and the retina screen on the iPad3 is phenomenal. I still use both my Sony CyberShot and Pentax DSLR (my CyberShot is in my purse at all times)... but for ease of use, and the fact that I've always got my iPhone with me I love my iPhone. And my photo apps.   

screenshot

photography icon in the upper left corner includes: Darkroom, Phototreats, Labelbox, Black's uploader app, Diptic, LEGO Photo, Percolator, Flickr, Actioncam, PhotoToaster

not included in screenshot: ShakeItPhoto, MarbleCam, ActionShot, SloPro, ProCam, Fisheye Pro, Bokehful, Squaready, Hueless, 

hunh, that's about 30 photo apps... just about what I thought I had...

Most of the time I just snap a pic, it saves to Camera Roll and then I can import it later into whichever app I feel like. However you can't do this with Hipstamatic, it requires you to take the photo within the app.

I've aquired many of my photo apps after seeing docpop's on instagram. Other photomuses: Daily Dose of Imagery, Blurb.

I suspect this blog post will be continued in further installments...

*(Alternate Blog Post Titles: How the Laundry Piles Up, Why My Dust Bunnies Have Formed a Union, How I Trained My Dog to Self-Walk, Sleep is for Wusses, Why No One Gifts Me Houseplants Anymore)