expectorant

My sister beat me to this blog post...
(I suppose if you've clicked over from her blog, you can now compare who is the more screwed up. I vote for me...)

Susannah's weekly week-end offers included this link, and I thought 'hmm, I wonder what my over-expectations are?'



I am supposed

to be more mentally stable
to be thin, effortlessly
to (like to) eat vegetables
to (like to) ski
to put things away
to make my kids eat properly
to be an artist
to have everything organized


Let's change that, shall we?

I will

congratulate myself on my present excellent mental health
be comfortable in this skin, reside in my body
appreciate my appetite
celebrate my family's skiing ability (from the spa. heh heh)
tidy, but not expect pristine
educate my kids on refueling themselves
be an artist, of sorts
embrace messy

That's better. Be your own best friend...

sharp pain

sometimes I have memories

that I simply cannot reconcile:

sitting here at the pool

thinking about when I took

lessons at the Y,

younger than my daughter is now

having to fight for my life

in the corner of the pool,

Mom knitting by the side

just as I am now.

sometimes I feel nauseous

and other times - like now

I have this almost palpable

achy chest pain.

it is overwhelming...

and I can’t seem to match

the person she was then

to who she is now

most of the time
this sharp pain is kept
secure and hidden inside me
and then I have times - like now
when I find myself
with cheeks wet
by the side of the pool

no title will do justice

Happy Canada Day!

Today is Canada's 145 birthday. Living in her capitol allows me and my family to indulge in some really great Canadianna... not sure how much or exactly what we're gonna do today as of yet; there's a cousin's birthday and party at his place. With this heat that may be it for me until the cooler evening and fireworks!


My husband has to attend a funeral though. I'm incredibly sad. Actually, I'm immensely angry. The anger supercedes the sadness. She was slightly younger than I, three kids under 10 years old, taken by a bitch of a cancer in ten months. 


And that? That is. just. plain. WRONG.

a rebirth? no, not that.

Once upon a time there was a young girl. Let's say she's 10 years old, living in a large multicultural city nearby. Despite everything, life really sucks. She's got two parents, a fairly stable financial situation. 


Gets pretty good marks, even though she seems to not do as well as expected. She has siblings, someone to play and argue with. Friends at school. Doesn't cause problems.


So, what I'm saying is: things could be so much worse. 


Eventually she grows to adulthood, having learnt how to deal with her anxieties mostly by herself. And then things start to fray, and she is compelled to live a better life. 


And she does: she gets better, moves ahead with her life. Doesn't become bitter, mean. Learns how to juggle vulnerability and strength. 


So now she looks okay. To her family, to the world around her. Proof that her parents did a "good job" raising her. Right? No. Not at all. In order for her to heal, the grownup young girl has had to put aside the needs of her younger self: packaged them up and squirreled them away. Secured, and personal. Those unfulfilled needs have only made her sick. 


But this looks the same to her parents as if everything had been rosy in her childhood. So do her parents think that they did a great job? Probably, but don't care what they think. But I do care for that young girl: she's had the short end of the stick twice. Once as a child, and now as a memory in adulthood. 


"I'm sorry." That's what I'd tell her. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

And I've said all that to get to this thought: now what? 


If you've spent so much time and energy healing and all that, and then you achieve it... then what?? If one spends the bulk of ones's life... occupied... with a project, and then the seemingly neverending project actually comes to an end... 


then what?? and: how does one honour her presence without living and carrying a grudge the rest of the time...

shed

The month of March was so bizarre around here. We had a heat wave mid way through, and lost all our piles of snow. Which was really weird... nothing had started to green up yet so while part of my body believed the temperature was saying it was July, my eyes insisted spring had not sprung yet. Like I said, weird. 


Personally, I had real difficulties. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, for some reason life became a struggle. (okay... I know the reason, but I don't need to share it here)


Still managed to start planning the summer, and travel to NYC for my sis's bday the first weekend in April... but I am very much looking forward to having my feet solidly under me again.