a rebirth? no, not that.

Once upon a time there was a young girl. Let's say she's 10 years old, living in a large multicultural city nearby. Despite everything, life really sucks. She's got two parents, a fairly stable financial situation. 

Gets pretty good marks, even though she seems to not do as well as expected. She has siblings, someone to play and argue with. Friends at school. Doesn't cause problems.

So, what I'm saying is: things could be so much worse. 

Eventually she grows to adulthood, having learnt how to deal with her anxieties mostly by herself. And then things start to fray, and she is compelled to live a better life. 

And she does: she gets better, moves ahead with her life. Doesn't become bitter, mean. Learns how to juggle vulnerability and strength. 

So now she looks okay. To her family, to the world around her. Proof that her parents did a "good job" raising her. Right? No. Not at all. In order for her to heal, the grownup young girl has had to put aside the needs of her younger self: packaged them up and squirreled them away. Secured, and personal. Those unfulfilled needs have only made her sick. 

But this looks the same to her parents as if everything had been rosy in her childhood. So do her parents think that they did a great job? Probably, but don't care what they think. But I do care for that young girl: she's had the short end of the stick twice. Once as a child, and now as a memory in adulthood. 

"I'm sorry." That's what I'd tell her. 


And I've said all that to get to this thought: now what? 

If you've spent so much time and energy healing and all that, and then you achieve it... then what?? If one spends the bulk of ones's life... occupied... with a project, and then the seemingly neverending project actually comes to an end... 

then what?? and: how does one honour her presence without living and carrying a grudge the rest of the time...


  1. not to mention... how to juggle the adult relationship with ever-aging, former-abusive parents? how to honour the memories of What Happened and live now without bearing a grudge?

    I suppose to some it may look like I'm cold, distant. My emotions aren't as caring as one would expect, given What's Happening now. But whenever she gets needy, I think of how she treated me when I was young and needy.

    And I take an emotional step back. She deserves my help, but not my caring.