thirTEEN

Maeve, on her 13th birthday

a rebirth? no, not that.

Once upon a time there was a young girl. Let's say she's 10 years old, living in a large multicultural city nearby. Despite everything, life really sucks. She's got two parents, a fairly stable financial situation. 


Gets pretty good marks, even though she seems to not do as well as expected. She has siblings, someone to play and argue with. Friends at school. Doesn't cause problems.


So, what I'm saying is: things could be so much worse. 


Eventually she grows to adulthood, having learnt how to deal with her anxieties mostly by herself. And then things start to fray, and she is compelled to live a better life. 


And she does: she gets better, moves ahead with her life. Doesn't become bitter, mean. Learns how to juggle vulnerability and strength. 


So now she looks okay. To her family, to the world around her. Proof that her parents did a "good job" raising her. Right? No. Not at all. In order for her to heal, the grownup young girl has had to put aside the needs of her younger self: packaged them up and squirreled them away. Secured, and personal. Those unfulfilled needs have only made her sick. 


But this looks the same to her parents as if everything had been rosy in her childhood. So do her parents think that they did a great job? Probably, but don't care what they think. But I do care for that young girl: she's had the short end of the stick twice. Once as a child, and now as a memory in adulthood. 


"I'm sorry." That's what I'd tell her. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

And I've said all that to get to this thought: now what? 


If you've spent so much time and energy healing and all that, and then you achieve it... then what?? If one spends the bulk of ones's life... occupied... with a project, and then the seemingly neverending project actually comes to an end... 


then what?? and: how does one honour her presence without living and carrying a grudge the rest of the time...

week eight, unravelled

This is something I thought I'd never see: a self-portrait. Even more surprising was how quickly I got used to seeing myself. I guess the course title ~ Unravelling: Ways of Seeing My Self ~ was very aptly named!

The First Step : admitting that you own it

I just started watching The Big Bang Theory. The opening shot of a recently viewed episode showed a book that I actually own! Here, take a look:


(the top photo is the opening shot, the other ones are of my possessions, which you may notice also includes an audio tape)

and if the Second Step is admitting that I gave myself a sore throat from practising too long (it's a very gutteral language) then I'm there!

aloneliness

I've been musing on how lonely the human experience really is. Sounds depressing, I know... but in reading and then realizing how similar we really are it stuck me: we're all alone. Geez, that looks horrible in print! :)


It's very liberating, really. At least I think so; changes my expectations. I don't need others to heal myself, I'm quite capable of taking care of myself if need to. Relying on others for help is great, but expecting others to solve it... well that just leads to frustration and results in depression for me. 


Fits in with your Tribe of One, Susannah. I visualize my socializations as a series of nested circles: at the very centre is Me: a solid, brick-red circle. Surrounded by increasing larger, gradually looser circles of family and friends. 


A couple of years ago when feeling blue I would ask myself "what would your best friend do/say?". Cuz a truly best friend would be honest enough to call you out on misbehaviours: "well, you are eating ice cream every night..." or "no wonder she's upset with you, you did promise to help her on the weekend" as well as provide a calming voice. Be Your Own Best Friend. That's what I call it; very often she's takes on my Inner Perfectionist. And wins!


I read a poem years ago that referred to "some people, infrequent people" as the ones who are True Friends, the ones on the same wavelength as yourself. Who 'get' you. But that most people you meet are not these kind. I have a very small Tribe I realize: I think I prefer to fill it with Infrequent people...


And, luckily for me, my sister Wendy is one of them...

I miss my sling

fave :: birdsong

Last week, we pondered our favourite things. I pondered a lot; like... every day! I very quickly realized that I have a LOT of favourite things! I spent the entire week taking inventory, spring in my step: I realized that I surround myself with things that I love... isn't that a warm and comfy thought??


I made this clip to illustrate my favourite sound: a particular birdsong. I'm not a birdwatcher, I don't know what kind of bird it is but I counted myself lucky if I heard it at our family cottage during the summer. I would walk into the forest and get goosebumps from this ethereal, airy, woody arpeggio echoing through the treetops.

I hear it occasionally when walking the dog and last year managed to get its song recorded using Voice Memo on my iPhone. (so those are the dog's pantings that you may hear)


And, of course just for good measure, a nice big Canadian mosquito buzzed the very end.